mr. hoffa, is that you?

everyone is back to school and work today, and i just completed the first serious post-xmas vacuuming. jaysus, the stuff i slurped up: varied, and horrifying.

things my children have argued about today

• what treats to leave for santa this christmas (this one brought them to tears)
• who will make chocolate milk for whom
• whether or not they are playing a trick on each other or being "real" (this one got kind of metaphysical)

next i plan the invasion of a small country

who says your skeelz have to rust when you're a stay-at-home mommy? today was a logistical tour de force:

• last night, mom friend a had offered to ferry my non-barfer, whom we'll call child 1, to and from preschool with her youngest (child 2) so i could stay home with my barfer (child 3).
• but when mom a arrived this morning to pick up child 1, she announced that her eldest (child 4) was at home and had just that second called to announce he had barfed. on her bed.
• so i offered to retrieve child 1 and child 2 after preschool, stashing child 3 in my van while i ran into the building, so she could stay home with child 4.
• shortly after that, mom friend b called and offered to bring child 1 home. i said i would have loved that, but i was on the hook for child 2 as well now, so i'd just go.
• then mom a called to say she had run into mom friend c during drop-off at preschool (still with me?), and mom c had offered to bring home child 1 and child 2 so child 3 and child 4 could remain immobile. i said i would have loved that, but child 1 would FREAK OUT if anyone but a hand-selected few tried to pick her up.
• so i called mom b back to take her up on her offer. she said sure, but she'd be a few minutes late because first she would be dropping off child 5, whom she was also picking up from preschool because his mother (d, if we're still keeping track) recently had back surgery.

amazingly enough, all the children ended up in the right places with the right mommies. and i haven't got the stomach flu. yet.

ringworm and the stomach flu

that's a description of chez nous today, not some new indie band name.

tall ships and small people

notes from the second annual family long weekend in duluth:

• the tall ships® are in town! which means 15 minutes of looking at a tall ship® and three hours appeasing whinny children, visiting the nearby park, spending $12 on one hot dog and two plates of fries, and horsing around the leftovers of said fries plus three rain jackets, a balloon pirate sword and a balloon doggie and leash through the massive tall ships® crowds. (the sword survived; fido did not.)
• the kate gosslin haircut is alive and well in the north country. looks like a flock of startled birds alighted in the two harbors area.
• if you have a very chubby child, here's what not to dress her in: a t-shirt from the university of wisconsin-stout that says STOUT across the chest.
• nothing like a hotel potty backing up to say "relaxation." took out all the room towels. the mommy vacation: down on hands and knees with floor cleaner and rags.
• there's nothing a hot bath, cold shower and warm towel cannot fix.

a scarlet e upon my chest

here's a surefire way to piss off other parents: let your 4 and 6-year-old daughters get their ears pierced (yes, mom, really). hoo boy. methinks i may become an elementary school pariah.

things my children have argued about today

• whether all birthstones are jewels
• the age of a stuffed giraffe
• who interrupted whom (this took quite a while to resolve because - yes - they kept interrupting each other)

the mommy day planner

6 am - alarm goes off

6:04 - alarm goes off

6:08 - alarm goes off

6:12 - alarm goes off; get up

6:12-6:30 - check bank balance (still solvent), check e-mail, check people.com

6:30-7:25 - make breakfasts and lunches, rouse and clothe child a, unload and reload dishwasher, break up fights between children, make beds, shove husband and child a out the door

7:25-7:30 - eat

7:30-8 - play don't break the ice, read books with child b

8-8:30 - reassemble basement office post construction

8:30 - ready child b for walk around lake: pack doll, snack and water; sunglasses, kleenex, hand wipes and lap robe already in stroller

8:35 - wait, more breakfast!

8:45-9:45 - walk around lake, engaging in metaphysical discussions with child b ("our ground is the sky for the earth underneath the ground"; "when you climb up to space, you're in outer space")

9:45-10:15 - help child b create and assemble fourth of july wreath (why? why now?)

10:15 - soothe child having nervous breakdown over operation of scotch tape and glue stick; feed child snack

10:20-10:45 - shower, dress, ask child b to dress, allow child b to remain in jammies, exit dwelling

11-11:15 - pick up prescription refills (antidepressants - yea!), grocery shop

11:15-12:15 - have four pairs of eyeglasses adjusted, two each for self and child b

12:15-12:45 - return home, prepare lunches, feed child b, eat

12:45-1:30 - play don't break the ice, read books

1:30-1:40 - ready child b (still in jammies) to leave, head out

1:40 - pick up child a from school

1:50 - remind child a we're not staying to play after school today; argue

2-2:30 - go home, get child b's allowance of 6 quarters, return to school to purchase tiny plastic squishy animals and cheap-ass bling jewelry from vending machines in park building, go home for real

2:30-3:30 - adjust insurance policies, make cutout bunnies with cotton tails for child a (why? easter is over), help child a create fourth of july wreath (parity)

3:30-4 - children watch tv downstairs; blessed, blessed silence

4-4:20 - spiff up child a

4:20 - take child a to birthday party

4:40 - return home; check to make sure present is wrapped for child a's next birthday party tomorrow

4:40-5:45 - make dinner with 4-year-old jammie-clad sous chef

5:45-6:15 - eat dinner with sous chef; more metaphysical discussions and many fart jokes

6:15 - leave to pick up child a, pass returning husband ("hi") in the garage

6:30-6:45 - attempt to wrest child a from birthday party venue

6:45-7 - return home, dump children on husband, engage in 5 minutes of marital discourse, flee the dwelling

7-8:15 - walk around lake with friend

8:15-9 - wrangle children into bed, stare glassy-eyed at computer

9-10 - bath (blessed, blessed silence)

10 - pass out

it had to happen

now thing two's dollhouse people are arguing with each other. it sounds like i have a schizophrenic 4-year-old:

"i want to sit on the big part of the merry-go-round!"

"no, i do!"

"no, i do!"

a series of unfortunate events

1. going to target the monday after spring break ended for all minneapolis public schools

apparently every other mom in minneapolis had the same idea. and apparently we all shop at the same target location.

2. three coins in the toilet

our toilet is having some kind of personality crisis and has begun to imitate a fountain. actually, it imitated a fountain once, last night. since then, we've been steadfastly avoiding it until bob the plumber shows up. i suspect it's going to take significantly more than three coins to fix.

3. why do you hate the baby?

from the archives of bad baby names: foley schmidt. over a loudspeaker at a ball game. "FOLEY SCHMIDT!" say it out loud a couple times.

4. "mom, keely just barfed!"

self-explanatory.

gaaah

it's great my children have active, questioning little minds, but do they have to be active and questioning so early in the morning?

thing two likes to start the day with a question-and-answer period. today's topic - at 4:53 a.m. - "what did people do before they had electricity?"

things i never thought i'd need to say, installment no. 632

"don't put that phone antenna up your nose!"
"get out of the fireplace!"

the plight of the second born

i love my babies without limits. but after an afternoon of hearing thing one boss thing two around, i can't wait until the day when little bit tells her big sister to stick it up her ass.

and dave, once again: i'm sorry.

could i be any more of a hausfrau?

here's a rundown of my morning plans:

• weight watchers
• target
• the liquor store

things i never thought i'd need to say, installment no. 471

• don't lick the railing at the post office
• don't put exposed scissor blades in your mouth
• flush (day after day after month after year)

what fresh hell is this?

chutes and ladders with a cheating almost 6-year-old and a flighty 4-year-old.

flighty won, much to cheater's vexation.

sibling revelry

my brother just sent my daughters matching skirts for their birthdays.

musical skirts.

musical skirts that play the macarena OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

i should have beat him up less when we were kids. or maybe more.

let's do the time warp again

and who stole my other baby and replaced her with a preschooler?

time warp

ok, who stole my baby and left this huge kindergartener in her place?

remind me again why smacking them went out of style?

[scene: the kitchen, lunchtime]

enter mom, to make sandwiches

[moments later]

enter things one and two, to fight under mom's feet

mom: "ladies, get out of the kitchen while i'm making lunch!"

the things exit; then, seconds later, thing two reappears

thing two: "mommy, will you help me draw a picture of you, and then help me write, 'you're ugly – i don't like you' on it?"

[end scene]