threat level: red

so i get everyone up, dressed, in the cab, to the airport, and through security without incident and in a timely manner.

all that remains is a quick trip to the biffy before boarding, and of course - of course! - auntie flo shows up. of course.

and of course, my four-year-old is with me in the matchbook-sized stall. don't want her to see the crime scene (that could be life scarring), so i quick invented the feet game. as in, "hey, baby, you stand outside the potty and dance, and i'll see if i can see your feet! doesn't that sound like fuuun?!"

lots of ibuprofen and coca-cola later, and all is well. there have been no other tragedies, and the girls are having a ball cavorting in grampa's pool and eating hot dogs and fries on his dime. next up? a trip to the toy store, where grampa will give them free rein. (grampa purports to be my father, but i think the aliens abducted that guy and replaced him with a remarkable facsimile, because i don't remember any toy store rampages from MY childhood.)

best line of the trip so far

"do we need to take the stroller?"

no, honey. i'm sure we'll be fine moving through two of the country's busiest airports with four suitcases, four big carry-ons, two car seats, and unharnessed 2- and 4-year-olds.

and we haven't even left yet...

not lazy, perhaps hazy, and certainly crazy days of summer

so we're getting ready to head out of state for a big family reunion. here are my to do's so far (making the master list is the first to do):

• stop the mail
  
• stop the newspaper
  
• arrange for our lawn to be mowed
  
• drop off keys with a friend
  
• pay the bills
  
• renew library books so we don't get fined while we're gone
  
• wash everyone's entire wardrobe
  
• pack enough clothes, bathing suits and shoes for two little girls for a week and a half (did i mention the places we're staying have no washer and dryer?)
  
• pack my stuff
  
• pack toiletries for me and the girls
• renew and pack everyone's prescription medicines
  
• pack non-prescription medicines (zyrtec, scar cream, eye patches, etc.)
  
• fill out i.d. bracelets for the girls to wear while traveling in case they get lost
  
• buy and pack (allergy-free!) snacks
  
• pack toys, books and lovies for the girls
  
• pack travel dvd player and dvds
  
• make a list of stuff to buy once we're there (diapers, wipes, swim diapers, etc.)
  
• determine if grocery stores near reunion site carry soy milk 
  
• locate hospital nearest reunion site
  
• locate laundromat nearest reunion site
• set light timers at home
  
• clean out the fridge
• arrange for a taxi to the airport
  
• find straps to turn the booster seat back into an airplane-legal car seat
  

here's what my husband will do:

• pack his bag
  

cupcakes

by popular (one) request, here is the vegan chocolate cupcake recipe. don't be fooled by the vegan part – these things taste guuuuuuud. all hail isa chandra and her awesome vegan cupcakes take over the world cookbook!

your basic chocolate cupcake

makes 12 cupcakes

ingredients

• 1 cup soy milk
  
• 1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
  
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
  
• 1/3 cup canola oil
  
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  
• 1/2 teaspoon almond extract, chocolate extract, or more vanilla extract (i use vanilla)
  
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
  
• 1/3 cup cocoa powder, dutch-processed or regular
  
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
  
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
  

directions

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees F and line a muffin pan with paper or foil liners.
   
2. whisk together the soy milk and vinegar in a large bowl and set aside for a few minutes to curdle.
   
3. in a separate bowl, sift (really – get a sifter; it makes a difference) together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder and salt.
   
4. add the sugar, oil and vanilla extract, and other extract if using, to the soy milk mixture and beat until foamy.
   
5. add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients in two batches and beat until no large lumps remain (a few tiny ones are ok).
   
6. pour into liners, filling three-quarters of the way. 
7. bake 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cupcake comes out clean.
   
8. transfer to cooling rack and let cool completely before...

frosting

ingredients (note:  this is half the recipe; i find it's plenty for a dozen cupcakes)

• 1/4 cup shortening
  
• 1/4 cup margarine 
  
• 1-3/4 cups confectioners' sugar
  
• 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
  
• 1/8 cup plain soy milk or soy creamer

directions

1. beat the shortening and margarine until well combined and fluffy.
   
2. add the sugar and beat about 3 more minutes.
   
3. add the vanilla and soy milk, and beat for another 5 to 7 minutes until fluffy. if you want to color the frosting, add food coloring near the end of beating.
   

house of lard

in the past two days, i have made two new kinds of cupcakes, and the ladies and i have been listening to christmas carols incessantly.

we're confused. but happy.

[insert stunned silence here]

i just completely threw a woman conducting a phone survey. she wanted to ask me questions about potential television shows, and i told her we don't have a working t.v. and haven't for almost a year.

i'm fairly certain no one has ever said that to her before, judging by the long pause, slow intake of breath, and "whooookay!" i got.

celeblogties and other random thoughts

celeblogties

i think the blogosphere has fused celebrity gazing and reality programing, at least for me. i get a little thrill when i see that wendi aarons has commented on one of my posts, or when i run into morgan from fatgrrl.com walking around the lake. it's like that us magazine section come to life:  they really DO whine and chafe and sag and snarl. i feel so glamorous!

goth picnic

goth is tough look to pull off in the summer. works great during a minneapolis winter, but black hair/pasty face/black shirt/pasty arms/black shorts/pasty legs/black socks says "i need a blood transfusion!" more than "i am part of a vaguely unsettling counterculture!"

freaky tuesday

the couple i just saw out for a walk scared me. preface:  it is a gorgeous summer day, the kind of perfection that makes minnesotans weep with joy and stop muttering about relocating to albuquerque. so why were betty and bud strolling along in long pants, hooded long-sleeved jackets, and hats? is there some sort of freak june cold front rolling in that i don't know about? it reminds me a billion for boris, the awesome sequel to freaky friday, where ape face finds a television that broadcasts tomorrow's news and thus remains toasty warm during a surprise blizzard while his sister freezes and – even worse – ruins her new leather boots.

recorders 

my husband found the recorders he and one of his brothers played as kids. remember recorders? those cheap, tuneless first instruments? those little spindles of shrillness that, in the hands of novices, produce only one sustained note so high you can actually feel your butt clench?

he gave them to our children.

oh dear god

my four-year-old just said the words "hannah montana."

the pain only a mother knows

i just stepped on a lincoln log. jesus god. went down like a tranqed rhino.

where is that large automobile?

i was very nearly run off the road tonight by a big ol' cadillac ass-calade. um, hello? i'm in a minivan; it's not like i have a cloaking device. 

crouching preschooler, hidden pull-up

the shortest interval of time that has ever been measured is 100 attoseconds – a billion billionths of a second. the measurement was achieved by professor ferenc krausz and other researchers at the vienna university of technology.

professor krausz has preschoolers.

i don't know this for sure, but i'd be willing to bet on it. because i, too, have experienced the shortest interval of time. only in our house, it's called "the time between pulling josie out of the tub and her shrieking that she's cooooold." seriously, she's not even all the way out of the water when this starts.

and because she's cooooold, she refuses to drop towel while getting dressed. so instead, she spreads her towel-clad arms out for balance and stands, flamingo-like, on one skinny leg while holding up her other foot for me to cram into her pull-up. it's very martial-arts-meets-hello-kitty, until her foot catches on the towel edge while pushing through the pull-up leg opening and we both fall ass over tea kettle. 

in today's news

"astronauts to fix international space station's broken toilet."

and i thought my seven years of higher education were a bit of an over qualification for my job as a hausfrau.

apparently i've given birth to alexa p. keaton. twice.

the ladies and i got our usual ziggurat of books out of the library last week, and we've been enjoying click, clack, moo:  cows that type and giggle, giggle, quack. 

they are dryly funny books about overly smart farm animals that cause trouble for farmer brown, like when the cows find an old typewriter and begin leaving notes saying they won't give any more milk until they get some electric blankets.

it never occurred to me to side with anyone other than the poor, chilly bovines until my girls started on this tirade:

thing two:  "those cows are bad!"

thing one:  "yeah! they're bad, and they're mean!"

thing two:  "yeah! mean!"

thing one:  "they should give the farmer milk!"

thing two:  "yeah!"

geez. i guess they're ready for careers in management.