Thursday, June 25, 2009

ok, now i'm really going to have nightmares

and not from reading all those vampire books - they barely register on the scary-o-meter compared to this.

Monday, June 22, 2009

land of the ends

just returned from our second day at the pool - not the free baby ones around the city, but the honest-to-god big pool you have to pay money to join.

it's in a kind of ritzy suburb right outside the city, and the clientele is an interesting mix. seems to be divided equally into:
  1. moms who look like moms (i include myself in this group)
  2. moms who look like buff-madonna armed-weight lifting-pilates freaks
  3. nannies
it's pretty easy to discern the flavor, even in cases that might initially be confusing. for example: bikini-clad lovely. is she a) smooth and firm, with no ring on her finger but at least one through her navel/nose/other body part, and a phone perpetually attached to her ear? nanny. or is she b) desperately firm but with that baggy-saggy elephant skin, a big ol' wedding ring, and an eagle eye on her precious? buff mommy.

the mommy-mommies like me wear the complete lands end catalogue of "modest" bathing suits, heavily armored confections with skirts practically down to our pudgy knees and tops that cover our swaying midriffs. the buff mommies wear the lands end bikinis that showcase their hard work and hard edges, but still have a whiff of sensible about them. and the nannies, regardless of their shape or condition, wear teensy little bits of cloth and string in lurid colors that say things like "peace" or "bad girl."

i'll bet if you put 20 of them in a police line-up and just showed me their behinds (and in some cases, it really is most of their actual behinds showing), i could tell you who's who within a minute.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

once bitten

i just read new moon, the second book in the twilight (cheesy, immensely popular teen aged vampire) series.

in one day.

it's 563 pages.

it's cheese, but it's good cheese.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

things my children have argued about today

  • who would use the checkered beach towel at the pool (note: we do own more than one beach towel).
  • who would throw away a desiccated noodle i found under the coffee table.
  • after snapping said noodle apart during their tussling, they argued about who now had more pieces to throw away.

Monday, June 8, 2009

things my children have argued about today

  • whether or not child a would stand aside as child b ran across the couch cushions.
  • who would retrieve the spare keys from the plumber.
  • possession of a plastic hanger (note: we do own more than one plastic hanger).

Sunday, June 7, 2009

various and sundry

item the first - reality cooking show

after hearing my mil bemoan how easy cooking on tv looks (well, duh), i came up with an idea for a real woman's cooking show: mom with weeping toddler clinging to her leg, rampaging preschooler breaking things in another room, and at least one major ingredient that is missing/frozen/spoiled. that i would watch.

item the second - dumbest product ever

candle jewelry.

because candles are so homely we need to gussy them up?

item the third - make way for dumb asses

so we noticed a duck in our backyard pacing along our fence. turns out her 8 ducklings were on the other side in our neighbor's yard, pacing right in step with mama and quacking frantically. apparently mama had a) somehow gotten separated from her babies and b) forgotten she could fly, because this went on for a while. we tried putting a stool by the fence for her to hop from (no go), the handsome man tried to grab her (very funny, but no go), and finally i suggested he stick a shovel under her butt and flip her over the fence (liftoff!).

mama then takes off through the neighbors' yard, trailing ducklings behind her. 7 ducklings. oops. so i go off in hot pursuit of mom to keep a bead on her while the handsome man scoops up lil fluffy. by the time he caught up with mama, she had crossed several yards and a road and was heading for a nearby lake. after he returned the babe, he noticed another duckling had flipped over on its back, turtle-like, and was stuck. so he flipped that guy over and made sure he caught up with mama.

we are less than confident that the whole family made it to the lake.

item the fourth - i continue to embrace the womanly art of cross stitch

Monday, June 1, 2009

why do you hate the baby? installment no. 784

so the religious freaks (rude) at the girls' swim lessons had their third baby. he joins big sisters phoenicia and eden. his name? obadiah.