just call me ma ingalls

here's what the girlies and i have been up to lately:

• making our own paper
• visiting an apple orchard and then making pies and applesauce
• cross stitching
• making button rings

but i absolutely draw the line at blowing up any pig bladders.

remind me again why smacking them went out of style?

[scene: the kitchen, lunchtime]

enter mom, to make sandwiches

[moments later]

enter things one and two, to fight under mom's feet

mom: "ladies, get out of the kitchen while i'm making lunch!"

the things exit; then, seconds later, thing two reappears

thing two: "mommy, will you help me draw a picture of you, and then help me write, 'you're ugly – i don't like you' on it?"

[end scene]

ewwww

behold kfc's new "sandwich," the double down:

bacon, cheese, more bacon, another kind of cheese, and (but of course) secret sauce between two pieces of BREADED, FRIED CHICKEN!

jesus christ. too bad it comes with potato wedges and a coke instead of a defibrillator.

famous last words

dad, to wife and kids, on entering target:

"remember, we're just here to look at shelving."

right. sure. uh huh.

this is why children aren't good spies

during a game of crazy 8's...

thing two: i got an 8!

me: honey, you're not supposed to tell people what you've got.

thing two: i'm not; i'm telling myself, loudly.

thing one: i've got a secret card, but i'm not telling what it is!

lazy, hazy and certainly crazy

summer may be ending, but the warm memories will stay with me. things like:

the pool bag

remember going to the pool or beach when you were single and/or childless? throw on suit, apply some sunscreen, grab a towel and a drink, and in 5 minutes you were out the door.

today, going to the pool or beach requires only slightly less planning than the invasion of normandy. my bag contains:

• 3 towels
• 3 cover-ups
• 3 sets of waterproof mesh beach shoes
• 3 different types of sunscreen (kryptonite-strength cream for first application, spray for later reaps, and gooey face stick to keep it out of delicate eyes)
• goggles
• pool membership cards
• approximately 1,746 water toys
• giant inflatable floatie rings
• sand buckets and shovels
• beach blanket
• life jackets so the girls can bob "by myself!"
• cell phone (in case of emergencies, and the need to bitch to someone)
• epipens (ditto, except for the bitching)
• band aids for the inevitable falls and scrapes
• snacks, oh so many snacks
• water bottles, with ice cubes, puhlease
• picnic lunch complete with napkins, hand wipes and utensils
• and, if i remember, perhaps a crossword or a trashy magazine at which to sneak the briefest of looks

the awkward beach guy

during one of our recent invasion-of-normandy forays to the beach, we sat near the life guards' chair, where a gaggle of guards gathered throughout the afternoon (too many for duty; i think they were just hanging out together).

non-guard friends also began showing up, including one young man who seated himself next to a bronzed beach beauty and began this exchange:

"hey, brianna."

"hey [seemingly struggling to remember name]...there. how are you?"

"oh, just trying to get a sick tan before i go back to school." (note: he was so white he practically fluoresced.)

"oh."

"yeah, i go to nyu. yeah, i'm going to be graduating this year."

"mmm."

the construsement park

by jove, i think i've got it:

amusement park rides + construction equipment = the hottest new summer entertainment

just think of it: kids (and husbands and grandfathers) would clamor to ride up and down in the bucket of a backhoe, or slide down the rising bed of a dump truck, or spin around in a concrete mixer.

and yes, i had to ask the handsome man the actual names of some of that equipment ("that diggy thing [scooping hand motion]" is not a technical term). you'd think all my years of forced reeducation would have produced some result by now, but no.

addendum, tuesday, august 18: bulldozer bumper cars!

my secret ingredient? antennae!

in yesterday's farm box we got a big bunch of basil. i took it out of the fridge this morning to make pesto, and when i was picking the leaves off the stems, i found a chilled, confused, sluggish ladybug who had tagged along for the ride.

i took her outside, where the girls were enchanted with the new visitor and made much of her before she flew off.

i went back inside to rinse all the leaves. when i dumped them in the strainer, i found lady's compatriot, who had not survived the journey. oops.

think i'll keep that discovery to myself.

but sadly, we didn't get any cheese curds

been saving now for over a year


let’s pack the kids, get outta here


we’ll leave behind our troubles for a week.

we’ll borrow the pop-up from phyllis and steve


just tell the boss I gotta leave


be the best week of our lives as I can tell.

we’ll take our dream vacation in the dells.

we've been back from our best week for over a week, and i only just now have the energy to form words about it. for 8 days, we whirled around in the vortex that is the wisconsin dells, what roadside america calls one of the country's most over-the-top tourism meccas with

"a steamy, miles-long strip of motels, tourist traps, and quirky attractions ... [that] seems like a ravenous snake, swallowing tourists whole, digesting their lump of vacation energy and disposable income slowly over the course of several days."

that's pretty much exactly what it felt like.

we’ll see the robot world and the water show


go anywhere you wanna go


circus world museum in baraboo.

we’ll play mini-golf at the jellystone


and we’ll finally see that house of foam


and if the kids wanna buy a t-shirt what the hell.

it’s our dream vacation in the dells.

here's a partial list of what we did:

• america's largest water park.
• america's largest water park again.
• duck boats.
• huge mini-golf (as oxymoronic and moronic as it sounds).
• circus world museum, including a full-on circus performance (an aside: there are some seriously bendy people in this world).
• mid-continent railway museum, including a train ride.
• plus the world's largest flamingo, paul bunyan and babe, a ship-shaped car wash, and dr. evermor and the forevertron.

how we missed the museum of historic torture devices, i'll never know, dammit.

and at night when the kids is all asleep


then off to the lounge for a nightcap we can sneak.

i know our lives they ain’t the stuff of dreams


but for one full week we can live like kings and queens.

so let’s board the dogs, lock the door


we’ll roll down interstate 94


be the best week of our lives I can tell.

we’ll take our dream vacation in the dells.

– "dream vacation" by the gear daddies