the agony of the feet

thing one has become quite enamored of the baseball playoffs (me thinks because she'll watch anything on the glowing box), but she's not quite there yet on the details: she told me that the minnesota twins lost to the new york hankies.

i again embrace the womanly art of needlework

my god, i amuse me.

take my first grader, please

children are the world's worst joke tellers. here is a sample of thing one's homegrown "humor"

why did the chicken cross the chicken coop to get to the other side?

to get the chicken's eggs!

(laughs uncontrollably)

public service announcements

psa 1: gentlemen, when you choose to run around the lake - and bully for you, getting some cardio in - please do not cap off your workout by dropping to the grassy median between the paths and doing bicycle-style sit-ups in your short shorts. please.

psa 2: apparently one of the calvin klein underwear models is doing some construction work on a house in south minneapolis today. ladies, you might want to swing by 49th and logan: kind of a young brad pitt-matt damon thing going on there.

things my five-year-old asks me at bedtime

• what's a counselor?
• when you tie your shoe, what do you do after you make the bunny ear loop?
• what are the lines in your hand for?

go. to. sleep.

why do you hate the baby? installment no. 820

at my daughter's school, twins johnny and...messiah.

i am not making this up; i'm looking at the school directory right now.

why do you hate the baby? installment no. 819

here are the names of some of the children at swim lessons yesterday: heinz (medium-bad). serenity. and...zen.

i so wish i could be there when those parents yell at their children. "goddammit zen, i said to get your shoes on!" or, in a nod to seinfeld, "serenity, now!"

it is good to turn 5

and eat cupcake batter in your elmo undies.

genuis, for only $1.29

both the song, with its impossibly catchy, isley brothersesque hooks, and the video, which should win whatever awards there are for this sort of thing.

must go listen on ipod over and over now.

health care math

i recently had day surgery. it was such a minor event, i can hardly even bring myself to call it surgery; instead, let's call it "a procedure."

for said procedure, i arrived at the hospital at 10:30, began at noon, and was through recovery and on my way home by 4. didn't even have general anesthesia, just that stuff that makes you dopey.

the bill for the procedure has arrived, and the total is: $17,336.63. seventeen thousand dollars. and change. for half a day: no overnight, minimal meds. sweet fancy moses, and thank god the handsome man's company offers good insurance.

they enjoy being girls

"when i have a brand new hairdo,

with my eyelashes all in curl,

i float as the clouds on air do,

i enjoy being a girl!"

did you know back-to-school haircuts now come with free glitter nails or funky hair?

it's a good life.

things my four-year-old asks me at bedtime

• are there red frogs?
• why are babies' mattresses hard?
• how come the words "pretend" and "imaginary" mean the same thing?
• when can we go to the carousel again?

paint it, carpet it, goooooo team!

most people yell at the tv during sports. not my people: my mother and daughter are downstairs talking back to hgtv. apparently some designer needs to be benched.

tall ships and small people

notes from the second annual family long weekend in duluth:

• the tall ships® are in town! which means 15 minutes of looking at a tall ship® and three hours appeasing whinny children, visiting the nearby park, spending $12 on one hot dog and two plates of fries, and horsing around the leftovers of said fries plus three rain jackets, a balloon pirate sword and a balloon doggie and leash through the massive tall ships® crowds. (the sword survived; fido did not.)
• the kate gosslin haircut is alive and well in the north country. looks like a flock of startled birds alighted in the two harbors area.
• if you have a very chubby child, here's what not to dress her in: a t-shirt from the university of wisconsin-stout that says STOUT across the chest.
• nothing like a hotel potty backing up to say "relaxation." took out all the room towels. the mommy vacation: down on hands and knees with floor cleaner and rags.
• there's nothing a hot bath, cold shower and warm towel cannot fix.

things my four-year-old asks me at bedtime

• how teeny are ants' mouths?
• who people do we not know?

go to sleep, child.

this is why people in other countries hate us

seen at the upscale toy and kids store: $24.99 burp clothes.

i'm sure they're wonderful. i'm sure they have many amazing features: they potty train your kids, teach them spanish, and cheer their soccer games.

but still...$25? for burp clothes? burp, which, as anyone who has spent time around babies knows, is a cute little euphemism for "copious amounts of projectile vomit"? $25 for something intended to catch puke? really? really?!

backroads bingo

as we enter the season of grotesquely long car trips, here's a little something to keep the kiddies amused.

a scarlet e upon my chest

here's a surefire way to piss off other parents: let your 4 and 6-year-old daughters get their ears pierced (yes, mom, really). hoo boy. methinks i may become an elementary school pariah.

things my children have argued about today

• whether all birthstones are jewels
• the age of a stuffed giraffe
• who interrupted whom (this took quite a while to resolve because - yes - they kept interrupting each other)

my transformation into the crypt keeper is apparently complete

just returned from a doctor's appointment. while the nurse took my info, i killed some time knitting. the nurse looked at what i was doing and said:

"are you making that for a grandchild?"