things my children have argued about today

• what treats to leave for santa this christmas (this one brought them to tears)
• who will make chocolate milk for whom
• whether or not they are playing a trick on each other or being "real" (this one got kind of metaphysical)

it's time for a minnesota church supper, dontcha know

that menu, in case you can't read it from my wonderful iphone snapshot, is:

• lutefisk (fish soaked in lye, for the uninitiated. according to cooking experts, the finished product "is the consistency of jello.")
• swedish meatballs
• rutabegas
• boiled potatoes
• pickled beets
• lefse
• limpa rye bread
• condiments (an exoticism to many lutherans)
• coffee (the most holy of lutheran beverages)
• milk
• water
• rice pudding with lingonberries

all for a mere (?) $17 a head.

next i plan the invasion of a small country

who says your skeelz have to rust when you're a stay-at-home mommy? today was a logistical tour de force:

• last night, mom friend a had offered to ferry my non-barfer, whom we'll call child 1, to and from preschool with her youngest (child 2) so i could stay home with my barfer (child 3).
• but when mom a arrived this morning to pick up child 1, she announced that her eldest (child 4) was at home and had just that second called to announce he had barfed. on her bed.
• so i offered to retrieve child 1 and child 2 after preschool, stashing child 3 in my van while i ran into the building, so she could stay home with child 4.
• shortly after that, mom friend b called and offered to bring child 1 home. i said i would have loved that, but i was on the hook for child 2 as well now, so i'd just go.
• then mom a called to say she had run into mom friend c during drop-off at preschool (still with me?), and mom c had offered to bring home child 1 and child 2 so child 3 and child 4 could remain immobile. i said i would have loved that, but child 1 would FREAK OUT if anyone but a hand-selected few tried to pick her up.
• so i called mom b back to take her up on her offer. she said sure, but she'd be a few minutes late because first she would be dropping off child 5, whom she was also picking up from preschool because his mother (d, if we're still keeping track) recently had back surgery.

amazingly enough, all the children ended up in the right places with the right mommies. and i haven't got the stomach flu. yet.

ringworm and the stomach flu

that's a description of chez nous today, not some new indie band name.

yummy

nothing says "the morning after halloween" like a 6:30 am dum dum sucker and a pixie stix chaser.

ook.

the agony of the feet

thing one has become quite enamored of the baseball playoffs (me thinks because she'll watch anything on the glowing box), but she's not quite there yet on the details: she told me that the minnesota twins lost to the new york hankies.

i again embrace the womanly art of needlework

my god, i amuse me.

take my first grader, please

children are the world's worst joke tellers. here is a sample of thing one's homegrown "humor"

why did the chicken cross the chicken coop to get to the other side?

to get the chicken's eggs!

(laughs uncontrollably)

public service announcements

psa 1: gentlemen, when you choose to run around the lake - and bully for you, getting some cardio in - please do not cap off your workout by dropping to the grassy median between the paths and doing bicycle-style sit-ups in your short shorts. please.

psa 2: apparently one of the calvin klein underwear models is doing some construction work on a house in south minneapolis today. ladies, you might want to swing by 49th and logan: kind of a young brad pitt-matt damon thing going on there.

things my five-year-old asks me at bedtime

• what's a counselor?
• when you tie your shoe, what do you do after you make the bunny ear loop?
• what are the lines in your hand for?

go. to. sleep.

why do you hate the baby? installment no. 820

at my daughter's school, twins johnny and...messiah.

i am not making this up; i'm looking at the school directory right now.

why do you hate the baby? installment no. 819

here are the names of some of the children at swim lessons yesterday: heinz (medium-bad). serenity. and...zen.

i so wish i could be there when those parents yell at their children. "goddammit zen, i said to get your shoes on!" or, in a nod to seinfeld, "serenity, now!"

it is good to turn 5

and eat cupcake batter in your elmo undies.

genuis, for only $1.29

both the song, with its impossibly catchy, isley brothersesque hooks, and the video, which should win whatever awards there are for this sort of thing.

must go listen on ipod over and over now.

health care math

i recently had day surgery. it was such a minor event, i can hardly even bring myself to call it surgery; instead, let's call it "a procedure."

for said procedure, i arrived at the hospital at 10:30, began at noon, and was through recovery and on my way home by 4. didn't even have general anesthesia, just that stuff that makes you dopey.

the bill for the procedure has arrived, and the total is: $17,336.63. seventeen thousand dollars. and change. for half a day: no overnight, minimal meds. sweet fancy moses, and thank god the handsome man's company offers good insurance.

they enjoy being girls

"when i have a brand new hairdo,

with my eyelashes all in curl,

i float as the clouds on air do,

i enjoy being a girl!"

did you know back-to-school haircuts now come with free glitter nails or funky hair?

it's a good life.

things my four-year-old asks me at bedtime

• are there red frogs?
• why are babies' mattresses hard?
• how come the words "pretend" and "imaginary" mean the same thing?
• when can we go to the carousel again?

paint it, carpet it, goooooo team!

most people yell at the tv during sports. not my people: my mother and daughter are downstairs talking back to hgtv. apparently some designer needs to be benched.

tall ships and small people

notes from the second annual family long weekend in duluth:

• the tall ships® are in town! which means 15 minutes of looking at a tall ship® and three hours appeasing whinny children, visiting the nearby park, spending $12 on one hot dog and two plates of fries, and horsing around the leftovers of said fries plus three rain jackets, a balloon pirate sword and a balloon doggie and leash through the massive tall ships® crowds. (the sword survived; fido did not.)
• the kate gosslin haircut is alive and well in the north country. looks like a flock of startled birds alighted in the two harbors area.
• if you have a very chubby child, here's what not to dress her in: a t-shirt from the university of wisconsin-stout that says STOUT across the chest.
• nothing like a hotel potty backing up to say "relaxation." took out all the room towels. the mommy vacation: down on hands and knees with floor cleaner and rags.
• there's nothing a hot bath, cold shower and warm towel cannot fix.

things my four-year-old asks me at bedtime

• how teeny are ants' mouths?
• who people do we not know?

go to sleep, child.