land ('s end) ho!

ladies, if you need a swimsuit (and it is only need that drives us to this fate, never just a desire to go out for a humiliating evening under the florescent lights), get thee to land's end.

last night at the local outlet, called an inlet (ha. cute. not.), i super scored by finding a suit that:

• fits
  
• is comfortable
  
• looks unhorrible
  
• and cost THIRTY DOLLARS (originally $86!)
  

and if you order from the catalog while in the store:  no shipping charges, and returns can be returned at the store free, too. so another cheap, black, hopefully acceptable suit is winging its way to me as i write.

(oh, and if you are a size 4 or a size 18, you have a choice of pretty much every product land's end makes. those of us in between need to hunt and peck. and premedicate.)

call child protective services

here's a conversation i'm glad no one else overheard:

2-year-old:  "i don't like rum."

4-year-old:  "you don't like rum?! rum is what mommy and daddy have in dark and stormies! you've had sips of those."

2-year-old:  "oh."

4-year-old:  "i love rum."

with a tune in my heart

i may have caved on refined sugar and thomas the tank engine dvds, but i've held firm on allowing noxious children's "music" to seep into our lives. driving in the car with two children under age 5 is bad enough; driving with them while listening to "i'm a little teapot" would make me commit a felony.

so it warmed my mother's heart today when my kids requested music by semisonic. here are other favorites:

• lily allen
  
• herbie hancock
  
• digable planets
  
• the ramones
• frankie goes to hollywood (hey, i never said my musical tastes were good; i just said no children's music)

sartorial selections

i used to pick out my clothes based on a number of factors:  did the colors look good on me? were the pants a flattering cut? did the outfit create the vaguest illusion of a waist for my hershey bar-shaped body?

here is the sole criterion for today's clothing choices:  what don't i care if my kid barfs on. again.

things my children have argued about today

• what months their imaginary company, lampy, takes off for summer vacation
  
• the middle names of their new stuffed kitties
  
• how many limes each could put in the bag at target
  

and now one of those limes is going right in my cocktail...

mommy's night out

thanks to my cousin casey for making up this recipe (and for making me one).

mommy's night out:

• pear vodka
  
• pomegranate juice
  
• fresca (ah, fresca)

proportions are fluid (ha ha), depending on how mommy's day has been.

oh happy day

thing two has learned how to swing by herself. 

i remember when thing one reached this particular milestone:  how proud i was of her, how splendid i thought she was.

now my overwhelming thought is, "good – now i can finally sit on my butt instead of pushing that damn swing."

button up your overcoat

when the wind is free,

take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

today was one of those quintessential minnesota summer days:  high 80's, pristine blue sky, feathery breeze. i took things one and two to goggle at the city's gorgeous rose garden, then swung by a playground, and then hit the beach at the lake nearest our house (about 5 minutes away; when it's not frozen here, minneapolis is actually quite nice).

the water was absolutely clear – we could see every sand ripple on the bottom all the way out to the edge of the swimming area. a finger-sized fish took to us and swam in tight circles around and around and around our bodies. the girls dribbled handfuls of wet sand through their fingers.

eat an apple every day,

get to bed by three,

oh take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

a dozen or so yards from us was another mom with two little kids, twins about a year and a half old. they were also playing in the sand and the water. only these kids didn't feel the squish between their toes or the splash on their legs, because they were wearing long-sleeved, full-torso, full-pant swim suits. WITH FEET. like this. like a sleep suit for the water. and the lawrence of arabia sun hats, to boot. like this, only they wrapped even more around the sides.

wear your flannel underwear

when you climb a tree,

take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

now. i freely admit that i am one of the bigger freaks about safety when it comes to my kids. examples are legion, so trust me on this – i'm more neurotic than the average bear. and far be it for me to criticize another's parenting "style" (and this was a style, not because of any medical/skin condition, as the friendly, self-described nervous first-time mom volunteered). 

but COME ON. i mean, i've joked about wrapping my kids in bubble wrap, but i haven't actually DONE it. especially at the beach, fer crying out loud! why even bother bringing the poor little tykes there, when the only parts of them exposed to the glorious elements were their tiny mitts (ah! hand cancer! ahhhh!). what a horrible tease for a little boy and girl (at least that's my best guess, based on the colors of the cutest little hazmat suits in the world).

note to self:  don't so protect own children from the world that i completely keep them from experiencing the world.

keep away from bootleg hooch

when you're on a spree,

oh take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

the great chefs of the world

probably don't have to contend with their diners falling out of trees during meal preparation.

things my children have argued about today

• the colors of the imaginary signs in our kitchen that say "clean the wood" and "don't clean the wood"
  
• whether nana, who works at their imaginary company named lampy, is the big sister of lala, who also works at lampy (and yes, lampy makes lamps)
  
• who is 2-1/2 and who is 4-1/2 (a reprise of an old standard)
  

kitchen science

here's a fun experiment anyone can try at home!

• take one unopened gallon of milk that has been lingering in your house since before vacation
  
• open it and observe cream-like substance on top
  
• decide to recap milk and shake it to mix cream-like substance into the milk
  
• reopen and discover that fermenting, vaguely blue cheese-smelling former milk is pressurized and will explode all over you, your clothing, your appliances, and your floor!
  

it's the bitch of the day

with the bitch of the day:

apparently, july 11 was declared "bikini day at pershing pool" without my knowledge. who ARE these women who can suit up so skimpily after having kids and still look good?! haaaate them.

runway, milan, 2023

thank god she got daddy's legs.