the mommy day planner

6 am - alarm goes off

6:04 - alarm goes off

6:08 - alarm goes off

6:12 - alarm goes off; get up

6:12-6:30 - check bank balance (still solvent), check e-mail, check people.com

6:30-7:25 - make breakfasts and lunches, rouse and clothe child a, unload and reload dishwasher, break up fights between children, make beds, shove husband and child a out the door

7:25-7:30 - eat

7:30-8 - play don't break the ice, read books with child b

8-8:30 - reassemble basement office post construction

8:30 - ready child b for walk around lake: pack doll, snack and water; sunglasses, kleenex, hand wipes and lap robe already in stroller

8:35 - wait, more breakfast!

8:45-9:45 - walk around lake, engaging in metaphysical discussions with child b ("our ground is the sky for the earth underneath the ground"; "when you climb up to space, you're in outer space")

9:45-10:15 - help child b create and assemble fourth of july wreath (why? why now?)

10:15 - soothe child having nervous breakdown over operation of scotch tape and glue stick; feed child snack

10:20-10:45 - shower, dress, ask child b to dress, allow child b to remain in jammies, exit dwelling

11-11:15 - pick up prescription refills (antidepressants - yea!), grocery shop

11:15-12:15 - have four pairs of eyeglasses adjusted, two each for self and child b

12:15-12:45 - return home, prepare lunches, feed child b, eat

12:45-1:30 - play don't break the ice, read books

1:30-1:40 - ready child b (still in jammies) to leave, head out

1:40 - pick up child a from school

1:50 - remind child a we're not staying to play after school today; argue

2-2:30 - go home, get child b's allowance of 6 quarters, return to school to purchase tiny plastic squishy animals and cheap-ass bling jewelry from vending machines in park building, go home for real

2:30-3:30 - adjust insurance policies, make cutout bunnies with cotton tails for child a (why? easter is over), help child a create fourth of july wreath (parity)

3:30-4 - children watch tv downstairs; blessed, blessed silence

4-4:20 - spiff up child a

4:20 - take child a to birthday party

4:40 - return home; check to make sure present is wrapped for child a's next birthday party tomorrow

4:40-5:45 - make dinner with 4-year-old jammie-clad sous chef

5:45-6:15 - eat dinner with sous chef; more metaphysical discussions and many fart jokes

6:15 - leave to pick up child a, pass returning husband ("hi") in the garage

6:30-6:45 - attempt to wrest child a from birthday party venue

6:45-7 - return home, dump children on husband, engage in 5 minutes of marital discourse, flee the dwelling

7-8:15 - walk around lake with friend

8:15-9 - wrangle children into bed, stare glassy-eyed at computer

9-10 - bath (blessed, blessed silence)

10 - pass out