land ('s end) ho!

ladies, if you need a swimsuit (and it is only need that drives us to this fate, never just a desire to go out for a humiliating evening under the florescent lights), get thee to land's end.

last night at the local outlet, called an inlet (ha. cute. not.), i super scored by finding a suit that:

• fits
  
• is comfortable
  
• looks unhorrible
  
• and cost THIRTY DOLLARS (originally $86!)
  

and if you order from the catalog while in the store:  no shipping charges, and returns can be returned at the store free, too. so another cheap, black, hopefully acceptable suit is winging its way to me as i write.

(oh, and if you are a size 4 or a size 18, you have a choice of pretty much every product land's end makes. those of us in between need to hunt and peck. and premedicate.)

call child protective services

here's a conversation i'm glad no one else overheard:

2-year-old:  "i don't like rum."

4-year-old:  "you don't like rum?! rum is what mommy and daddy have in dark and stormies! you've had sips of those."

2-year-old:  "oh."

4-year-old:  "i love rum."

with a tune in my heart

i may have caved on refined sugar and thomas the tank engine dvds, but i've held firm on allowing noxious children's "music" to seep into our lives. driving in the car with two children under age 5 is bad enough; driving with them while listening to "i'm a little teapot" would make me commit a felony.

so it warmed my mother's heart today when my kids requested music by semisonic. here are other favorites:

• lily allen
  
• herbie hancock
  
• digable planets
  
• the ramones
• frankie goes to hollywood (hey, i never said my musical tastes were good; i just said no children's music)

sartorial selections

i used to pick out my clothes based on a number of factors:  did the colors look good on me? were the pants a flattering cut? did the outfit create the vaguest illusion of a waist for my hershey bar-shaped body?

here is the sole criterion for today's clothing choices:  what don't i care if my kid barfs on. again.

things my children have argued about today

• what months their imaginary company, lampy, takes off for summer vacation
  
• the middle names of their new stuffed kitties
  
• how many limes each could put in the bag at target
  

and now one of those limes is going right in my cocktail...

mommy's night out

thanks to my cousin casey for making up this recipe (and for making me one).

mommy's night out:

• pear vodka
  
• pomegranate juice
  
• fresca (ah, fresca)

proportions are fluid (ha ha), depending on how mommy's day has been.

oh happy day

thing two has learned how to swing by herself. 

i remember when thing one reached this particular milestone:  how proud i was of her, how splendid i thought she was.

now my overwhelming thought is, "good – now i can finally sit on my butt instead of pushing that damn swing."

button up your overcoat

when the wind is free,

take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

today was one of those quintessential minnesota summer days:  high 80's, pristine blue sky, feathery breeze. i took things one and two to goggle at the city's gorgeous rose garden, then swung by a playground, and then hit the beach at the lake nearest our house (about 5 minutes away; when it's not frozen here, minneapolis is actually quite nice).

the water was absolutely clear – we could see every sand ripple on the bottom all the way out to the edge of the swimming area. a finger-sized fish took to us and swam in tight circles around and around and around our bodies. the girls dribbled handfuls of wet sand through their fingers.

eat an apple every day,

get to bed by three,

oh take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

a dozen or so yards from us was another mom with two little kids, twins about a year and a half old. they were also playing in the sand and the water. only these kids didn't feel the squish between their toes or the splash on their legs, because they were wearing long-sleeved, full-torso, full-pant swim suits. WITH FEET. like this. like a sleep suit for the water. and the lawrence of arabia sun hats, to boot. like this, only they wrapped even more around the sides.

wear your flannel underwear

when you climb a tree,

take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

now. i freely admit that i am one of the bigger freaks about safety when it comes to my kids. examples are legion, so trust me on this – i'm more neurotic than the average bear. and far be it for me to criticize another's parenting "style" (and this was a style, not because of any medical/skin condition, as the friendly, self-described nervous first-time mom volunteered). 

but COME ON. i mean, i've joked about wrapping my kids in bubble wrap, but i haven't actually DONE it. especially at the beach, fer crying out loud! why even bother bringing the poor little tykes there, when the only parts of them exposed to the glorious elements were their tiny mitts (ah! hand cancer! ahhhh!). what a horrible tease for a little boy and girl (at least that's my best guess, based on the colors of the cutest little hazmat suits in the world).

note to self:  don't so protect own children from the world that i completely keep them from experiencing the world.

keep away from bootleg hooch

when you're on a spree,

oh take good care of yourself,

you belong to me.

the great chefs of the world

probably don't have to contend with their diners falling out of trees during meal preparation.

things my children have argued about today

• the colors of the imaginary signs in our kitchen that say "clean the wood" and "don't clean the wood"
  
• whether nana, who works at their imaginary company named lampy, is the big sister of lala, who also works at lampy (and yes, lampy makes lamps)
  
• who is 2-1/2 and who is 4-1/2 (a reprise of an old standard)
  

kitchen science

here's a fun experiment anyone can try at home!

• take one unopened gallon of milk that has been lingering in your house since before vacation
  
• open it and observe cream-like substance on top
  
• decide to recap milk and shake it to mix cream-like substance into the milk
  
• reopen and discover that fermenting, vaguely blue cheese-smelling former milk is pressurized and will explode all over you, your clothing, your appliances, and your floor!
  

it's the bitch of the day

with the bitch of the day:

apparently, july 11 was declared "bikini day at pershing pool" without my knowledge. who ARE these women who can suit up so skimpily after having kids and still look good?! haaaate them.

runway, milan, 2023

thank god she got daddy's legs.

threat level: red

so i get everyone up, dressed, in the cab, to the airport, and through security without incident and in a timely manner.

all that remains is a quick trip to the biffy before boarding, and of course - of course! - auntie flo shows up. of course.

and of course, my four-year-old is with me in the matchbook-sized stall. don't want her to see the crime scene (that could be life scarring), so i quick invented the feet game. as in, "hey, baby, you stand outside the potty and dance, and i'll see if i can see your feet! doesn't that sound like fuuun?!"

lots of ibuprofen and coca-cola later, and all is well. there have been no other tragedies, and the girls are having a ball cavorting in grampa's pool and eating hot dogs and fries on his dime. next up? a trip to the toy store, where grampa will give them free rein. (grampa purports to be my father, but i think the aliens abducted that guy and replaced him with a remarkable facsimile, because i don't remember any toy store rampages from MY childhood.)

best line of the trip so far

"do we need to take the stroller?"

no, honey. i'm sure we'll be fine moving through two of the country's busiest airports with four suitcases, four big carry-ons, two car seats, and unharnessed 2- and 4-year-olds.

and we haven't even left yet...

not lazy, perhaps hazy, and certainly crazy days of summer

so we're getting ready to head out of state for a big family reunion. here are my to do's so far (making the master list is the first to do):

• stop the mail
  
• stop the newspaper
  
• arrange for our lawn to be mowed
  
• drop off keys with a friend
  
• pay the bills
  
• renew library books so we don't get fined while we're gone
  
• wash everyone's entire wardrobe
  
• pack enough clothes, bathing suits and shoes for two little girls for a week and a half (did i mention the places we're staying have no washer and dryer?)
  
• pack my stuff
  
• pack toiletries for me and the girls
• renew and pack everyone's prescription medicines
  
• pack non-prescription medicines (zyrtec, scar cream, eye patches, etc.)
  
• fill out i.d. bracelets for the girls to wear while traveling in case they get lost
  
• buy and pack (allergy-free!) snacks
  
• pack toys, books and lovies for the girls
  
• pack travel dvd player and dvds
  
• make a list of stuff to buy once we're there (diapers, wipes, swim diapers, etc.)
  
• determine if grocery stores near reunion site carry soy milk 
  
• locate hospital nearest reunion site
  
• locate laundromat nearest reunion site
• set light timers at home
  
• clean out the fridge
• arrange for a taxi to the airport
  
• find straps to turn the booster seat back into an airplane-legal car seat
  

here's what my husband will do:

• pack his bag
  

cupcakes

by popular (one) request, here is the vegan chocolate cupcake recipe. don't be fooled by the vegan part – these things taste guuuuuuud. all hail isa chandra and her awesome vegan cupcakes take over the world cookbook!

your basic chocolate cupcake

makes 12 cupcakes

ingredients

• 1 cup soy milk
  
• 1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
  
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
  
• 1/3 cup canola oil
  
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  
• 1/2 teaspoon almond extract, chocolate extract, or more vanilla extract (i use vanilla)
  
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
  
• 1/3 cup cocoa powder, dutch-processed or regular
  
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
  
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
  

directions

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees F and line a muffin pan with paper or foil liners.
   
2. whisk together the soy milk and vinegar in a large bowl and set aside for a few minutes to curdle.
   
3. in a separate bowl, sift (really – get a sifter; it makes a difference) together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder and salt.
   
4. add the sugar, oil and vanilla extract, and other extract if using, to the soy milk mixture and beat until foamy.
   
5. add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients in two batches and beat until no large lumps remain (a few tiny ones are ok).
   
6. pour into liners, filling three-quarters of the way. 
7. bake 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cupcake comes out clean.
   
8. transfer to cooling rack and let cool completely before...

frosting

ingredients (note:  this is half the recipe; i find it's plenty for a dozen cupcakes)

• 1/4 cup shortening
  
• 1/4 cup margarine 
  
• 1-3/4 cups confectioners' sugar
  
• 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
  
• 1/8 cup plain soy milk or soy creamer

directions

1. beat the shortening and margarine until well combined and fluffy.
   
2. add the sugar and beat about 3 more minutes.
   
3. add the vanilla and soy milk, and beat for another 5 to 7 minutes until fluffy. if you want to color the frosting, add food coloring near the end of beating.
   

house of lard

in the past two days, i have made two new kinds of cupcakes, and the ladies and i have been listening to christmas carols incessantly.

we're confused. but happy.

[insert stunned silence here]

i just completely threw a woman conducting a phone survey. she wanted to ask me questions about potential television shows, and i told her we don't have a working t.v. and haven't for almost a year.

i'm fairly certain no one has ever said that to her before, judging by the long pause, slow intake of breath, and "whooookay!" i got.

celeblogties and other random thoughts

celeblogties

i think the blogosphere has fused celebrity gazing and reality programing, at least for me. i get a little thrill when i see that wendi aarons has commented on one of my posts, or when i run into morgan from fatgrrl.com walking around the lake. it's like that us magazine section come to life:  they really DO whine and chafe and sag and snarl. i feel so glamorous!

goth picnic

goth is tough look to pull off in the summer. works great during a minneapolis winter, but black hair/pasty face/black shirt/pasty arms/black shorts/pasty legs/black socks says "i need a blood transfusion!" more than "i am part of a vaguely unsettling counterculture!"

freaky tuesday

the couple i just saw out for a walk scared me. preface:  it is a gorgeous summer day, the kind of perfection that makes minnesotans weep with joy and stop muttering about relocating to albuquerque. so why were betty and bud strolling along in long pants, hooded long-sleeved jackets, and hats? is there some sort of freak june cold front rolling in that i don't know about? it reminds me a billion for boris, the awesome sequel to freaky friday, where ape face finds a television that broadcasts tomorrow's news and thus remains toasty warm during a surprise blizzard while his sister freezes and – even worse – ruins her new leather boots.

recorders 

my husband found the recorders he and one of his brothers played as kids. remember recorders? those cheap, tuneless first instruments? those little spindles of shrillness that, in the hands of novices, produce only one sustained note so high you can actually feel your butt clench?

he gave them to our children.

oh dear god

my four-year-old just said the words "hannah montana."