this is why people in other countries hate us

seen at the upscale toy and kids store: $24.99 burp clothes.

i'm sure they're wonderful. i'm sure they have many amazing features: they potty train your kids, teach them spanish, and cheer their soccer games.

but still...$25? for burp clothes? burp, which, as anyone who has spent time around babies knows, is a cute little euphemism for "copious amounts of projectile vomit"? $25 for something intended to catch puke? really? really?!

backroads bingo

as we enter the season of grotesquely long car trips, here's a little something to keep the kiddies amused.

a scarlet e upon my chest

here's a surefire way to piss off other parents: let your 4 and 6-year-old daughters get their ears pierced (yes, mom, really). hoo boy. methinks i may become an elementary school pariah.

things my children have argued about today

• whether all birthstones are jewels
• the age of a stuffed giraffe
• who interrupted whom (this took quite a while to resolve because - yes - they kept interrupting each other)

my transformation into the crypt keeper is apparently complete

just returned from a doctor's appointment. while the nurse took my info, i killed some time knitting. the nurse looked at what i was doing and said:

"are you making that for a grandchild?"

we must never, ever make fun of the ipad again

granted, it's not the greatest product name. but it can't compete in the awfulness department with what i heard today on the radio. the announcer was talking about:

"the new barnes & noble nook e-book reader"

but what it sounded like was:

"the new barnes & noble nookie book reader"

did no one in their marketing department ever say this stuff out loud?

you know your play date is ending badly when...

the guest erupts in chicken pox. even though he's been vaccinated.

the trouble with laptops

there are now three laptop computers on my smallish dining room table, up from two the day before and one prior to that. these things are multiplying like freaking tribbles around here. tis life with IT guy.

best mother's day present ever

thing one's teacher, saint margo, compiled the favorite recipes of all her kindergarteners and created a cook book for all the moms. how she managed to take dictation on these creations with a straight face, i will never know.

here are some samples:

josie's chicken with a really yummy sauce on it (cuban chicken)

• whole jar of olives
• whole small can of tomato paste
• whole onion - skin peeled then chopped up in little slices

mix it in a blender. take it out and see how smooth it is. if it's smooth, take it out. if it's not, put it back in and blend it some more. pour it over the chicken. cook the chicken for maybe about 10 minutes or so at 8 degrees.

emma's chicken noodle soup

• 1 piece of chicken
• 100 noodles
• 1 cup of water

put one piece of chicken, 100 noodles and 1 cup of water in a bowl. cook it on a stove for 2 minutes.

sierra's homemade cupcake

• 2 cups vanilla
• 1/4 tsp coconut
• 4 eggs
• whipped cream

you put it in a mixer then mix it for 2 minutes. get a cupcake pan. put cupcake papers in. put the dough in. cook it for 3 minutes at 8 degrees.

eli's gingerbread man

• baking dough
• you can put m&ms on it

smash it. then cook it in the oven maybe 10 minutes at 20 degrees. then put the m&ms on for the mouth, the eyes and the buttons.

braeden's lasagna

• noodle thing that's bumpy - maybe about two eighths
• sauce - enough to fill the whole bottom of the blue tray
• white stuff - about this much (2 hands held close together)

first put the sauce in the bottom of the blue tray. put in the white stuff. put on the noodles. then you do that all over again. then you cook it in the oven for a minute or two. maybe at 8 degrees.

happiness is

five gallon-size bags of freshly harvested and chopped rhubarb. there are some benefits to living in minnesota.

seen

outside a store near my daughter's eye doctor:

SEXY

ASIAN

FARMHOUSE

ANTIQUES

the mind reels...

the mommy day planner

6 am - alarm goes off

6:04 - alarm goes off

6:08 - alarm goes off

6:12 - alarm goes off; get up

6:12-6:30 - check bank balance (still solvent), check e-mail, check people.com

6:30-7:25 - make breakfasts and lunches, rouse and clothe child a, unload and reload dishwasher, break up fights between children, make beds, shove husband and child a out the door

7:25-7:30 - eat

7:30-8 - play don't break the ice, read books with child b

8-8:30 - reassemble basement office post construction

8:30 - ready child b for walk around lake: pack doll, snack and water; sunglasses, kleenex, hand wipes and lap robe already in stroller

8:35 - wait, more breakfast!

8:45-9:45 - walk around lake, engaging in metaphysical discussions with child b ("our ground is the sky for the earth underneath the ground"; "when you climb up to space, you're in outer space")

9:45-10:15 - help child b create and assemble fourth of july wreath (why? why now?)

10:15 - soothe child having nervous breakdown over operation of scotch tape and glue stick; feed child snack

10:20-10:45 - shower, dress, ask child b to dress, allow child b to remain in jammies, exit dwelling

11-11:15 - pick up prescription refills (antidepressants - yea!), grocery shop

11:15-12:15 - have four pairs of eyeglasses adjusted, two each for self and child b

12:15-12:45 - return home, prepare lunches, feed child b, eat

12:45-1:30 - play don't break the ice, read books

1:30-1:40 - ready child b (still in jammies) to leave, head out

1:40 - pick up child a from school

1:50 - remind child a we're not staying to play after school today; argue

2-2:30 - go home, get child b's allowance of 6 quarters, return to school to purchase tiny plastic squishy animals and cheap-ass bling jewelry from vending machines in park building, go home for real

2:30-3:30 - adjust insurance policies, make cutout bunnies with cotton tails for child a (why? easter is over), help child a create fourth of july wreath (parity)

3:30-4 - children watch tv downstairs; blessed, blessed silence

4-4:20 - spiff up child a

4:20 - take child a to birthday party

4:40 - return home; check to make sure present is wrapped for child a's next birthday party tomorrow

4:40-5:45 - make dinner with 4-year-old jammie-clad sous chef

5:45-6:15 - eat dinner with sous chef; more metaphysical discussions and many fart jokes

6:15 - leave to pick up child a, pass returning husband ("hi") in the garage

6:30-6:45 - attempt to wrest child a from birthday party venue

6:45-7 - return home, dump children on husband, engage in 5 minutes of marital discourse, flee the dwelling

7-8:15 - walk around lake with friend

8:15-9 - wrangle children into bed, stare glassy-eyed at computer

9-10 - bath (blessed, blessed silence)

10 - pass out

here comes peter bushy tail

the mystery of the 13 missing easter eggs has been cracked (ha) - it was the squirrels. we actually spotted one eating a gummy bunny yesterday.

extremely casual friday

pantless, in fact.

it had to happen

now thing two's dollhouse people are arguing with each other. it sounds like i have a schizophrenic 4-year-old:

"i want to sit on the big part of the merry-go-round!"

"no, i do!"

"no, i do!"

why do you hate both the babies?

in the latest food allergy news for kids newsletter: two brothers, ages 3 and 5.

names? mercury and lincoln.

perhaps they're expecting little baby chevrolet.

a series of unfortunate events

1. going to target the monday after spring break ended for all minneapolis public schools

apparently every other mom in minneapolis had the same idea. and apparently we all shop at the same target location.

2. three coins in the toilet

our toilet is having some kind of personality crisis and has begun to imitate a fountain. actually, it imitated a fountain once, last night. since then, we've been steadfastly avoiding it until bob the plumber shows up. i suspect it's going to take significantly more than three coins to fix.

3. why do you hate the baby?

from the archives of bad baby names: foley schmidt. over a loudspeaker at a ball game. "FOLEY SCHMIDT!" say it out loud a couple times.

4. "mom, keely just barfed!"

self-explanatory.

the love affair with worms continues

the girls just poked their heads in the back door from playing outside in the drizzle.

"want to see my worm pockets?!" asked thing one.

she had filled her rain slicker pockets with water (darn impermeable plastics), and thing two had then filled the pockets with...worms.

masses of writhing worms, some of them seeming to reach up to me with their plaintive little heads. (butts? who can tell?)

and of course, i had to do the good, modern mommy thing and say, "wow, that's really interesting - what an unusual application for your pocket" while my brain was screaming, "WORMS! AIEEEEEEE! WORMS! GET THOSE FUCKING WORMS AWAY FROM ME! MOMMY IS FUCKING FREAKED OUT BY WORMS! WOOOOOOORMS!"

they just came back in. i made sure the pockets were empty before i let them pass through the door.

"do you want to pet my worms, mom?"

oh dear god. this was not in the so, you're having a girl! brochure.

who would have guessed i'd wind up with a budding oligochaetologist?

so long, farewell

auf wiedersehen, ugly bathroom. adieu, ugly ceiling.