Friday, April 18, 2008

one fish, two fish, red fish, eeeeww fish

one fish
i bought a bathing suit the other day. like other naughty substances in our culture – sex toys, prescription drugs for maladies you don't have – bathing suits are best purchased over the internet, from the privacy of your own home. landsend.com is my preferred pusher, as they sell many suits with skirts, shorts, cover-ups, etc. i'm waiting for the full-body cocoon model; hopefully it will be out soon.

in the meantime, i opted for the all-over control lingerie slender swim dress. first and most important, it was on sale. and second, the name (or at least parts of it) and the picture evoked thoughts of a floaty, feminine little number that would rustle delightfully in the breeze while still covering my hindquarters and drumsticks.

instead, what arrived was a garment made of fabric so thick, tough and unyielding you could bury a man at sea in it. it weighs about five pounds, and i feel like mother russia storming the beach in it – the proletariat goes for a dip. but it looks ok and achieves my prime directive in swim wear:  COVER THAT SHIT UP.

two fish

alas, the same cannot be said for all of my fellow minnesotans. the handsome man and i took thing one and thing two to the water park of america last weekend. yee gods, i have never seen so much of  so many pale, pasty, corn-fed folks. aiiiiiie!

and it's april. that means we are just coming off of six months' hibernation, when all the world sees of you are your eyes and ice-encrusted lashes and there's not much incentive to lay off the cheetos. apparently, that is no deterrent to bikini purchases, or backless/sideless/nearly frontless bathing suits, or skin-tight bicycle shorts. oh, the humanity!

it's not that i am less pale, pasty or corn-fed than my compatriots; it's that i COVER THAT SHIT UP so that i won't permanently scar their eyeballs. even the handsome man, who almost never says anything bad about anyone (why did i marry him?), muttered, "i think that's illegal in seven states" when a particularly unfortunate teen galumphed by.

we live in a (relatively) civil society, people. social contract and all that. so please, please, join me in COVERING THAT SHIT UP.

red fish, eeeeww fish

and finally, to the speedo-clad man at the uptown ywca doing poolside sit-ups during swimming lessons for impressionable children (and fragile mommies):  sir, i beg of you:

COVER.
THAT.
SHIT.
UP!

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