playgroup

want to make get-togethers with other parents and wee ones more fun? try a playgroup! 

no, not that kind. i'm talking about playgroup, the drinking game, as described in the book inconsolable:  how i threw my mental health out with the diapers. (it's a lot funnier than it sounds. really.) here's how you do it...

the playgroup:

• two parts knudsen hibiscus cooler [editor's note: or whatever]
  
• one part inexpensive vodka
  
• one part pedialyte, any flavor (to prevent dehydration and extend play)
  

mix ingredients together in a small sippy cup (preferably two-handled). add ice cube and shake vigorously; serve.

rules of play:

players who do not have a sippy cup available will automatically pick up a two-drink penalty and must consume their beverage from whatever receptacle is handy (e.g., sports bottle, neti pot, oral syringe, dirty ashtray, athletic shoe).

if a grown-up uses the word "poopy," that person drinks.

if a child uses the word "poopy," everyone drinks.

all drink if a child asks to nurse (with or without words).

all drink if a child is learning how to use the potty (once for each child).

all drink if a child takes a toy from another child.

finish your glass if your child is the thief.

all drink every time a child cries.

finish your glass every time a mother or father cries.

all drink whenever a box of baby wipes is opened.

drink twice whenever you eat a snack intended for a child (e.g., graham crackers, arrowroot cookies, zwieback toast).

all drink when the following topics are raised:

• frequency of sexual relations
  
• pornography/the sex industry
  
• reliable automobiles
  
• real estate (including neighborhood comparisons)
  
• recipes
  
• religion (including wicca and earth-worship)
  
• movies
  
• cable-access television
  
• hair color
  
• job hunting
  
• dogs/puppies
  
• preschool
  

drink twice if:

• the recipes are vegan or wheat-free.
  
• recipes are actually exchanged.
  
• anyone has had sexual relations in the past 48 hours.
  
• anyone's car is in the shop.
  
• a borrowed object is returned.
  

finish your glass if:

• your child vomits or defecates explosively (sufficient to cause staining outside the diaper).
  
• a child hits another child with an implement of any nature (e.g., shape-sorting cube, umbrella, machete).